Why Being 'Too Busy' Is Now a Desirable Dating Trait
In recent years, many individuals have claimed they are too busy to date, citing packed schedules filled with work, family, friendships, and hobbies. According to a viral TikTok video, this very busyness might be the most attractive quality a person can possess in today's dating landscape.
The Viral TikTok That Sparked the Trend
TikTok user @stevecole__ recently shared a video expressing his attraction to women who are "too busy to date him." His reasoning is straightforward: "If you have all day, every week, to date someone, you probably don't have enough going on in your life." This perspective challenges traditional dating norms, where constant availability was often seen as a positive trait. Instead, it highlights a desire for partners who have already built fulfilling lives independently.
A Shift in Dating Culture Towards Self-Awareness
This trend extends beyond mere packed calendars; it reflects a broader cultural shift in dating values. Julie Nguyen, a certified dating coach at the Hily Dating App, explains that this mindset values self-awareness and wellness. By expressing attraction to "too busy" individuals, people are responding to those who feel grounded in their own lives and do not seek relationships for identity, direction, or emotional fulfillment.
This represents a welcome departure from past mentalities, such as the "cool girl" approach, where individuals felt pressured to be endlessly accommodating out of fear of rejection. Busy individuals are more likely to establish firm boundaries and practice emotional regulation, which can be highly attractive. Dr. Candice Cooper-Lovett, a licensed relationship and sex therapist, notes, "For men, that can be very attractive because it shows that she doesn't have to depend on him solely for validation, or emotional stability." She adds that there is peace in knowing your partner has goals and direction in life.
Practical and Psychological Implications
In the context of a cost-of-living crisis, dating someone with a busy career and independent life can serve as a financial safeguard. Vee Mindful, a dating strategist and creator of the Modern Dating Bootcamp, points out that if marriage occurs and one partner's income is disrupted, it is less stressful if the other can support the household temporarily.
However, not all attraction to busy individuals stems from healthy motivations. The trend taps into the psychology of scarcity, where people covet what is rare or hard to attain. Shanni Liang, a clinical social worker and licensed therapist, explains, "When someone is emotionally and physically unavailable, it makes the person more attractive because we unconsciously want people who are not easy to attain." For some, the challenge of the chase is appealing, and this can be linked to childhood experiences with emotionally detached parents, making such connections feel safer than those requiring reciprocal vulnerability.
The Dark Side of the Trend
In some cases, seeking a "too busy" partner can be a way to avoid intimacy. Mindful notes, "This type of man most likely is afraid of commitment. A woman who is too busy gives that man freedom, an excuse, and time for him to be 'independent'. He has someone in his life without having someone IN his life." This highlights how the trend can sometimes mask deeper issues of emotional unavailability.
Balancing Busyness with Connection
Ultimately, for a healthy relationship to thrive, both partners must create physical and emotional space for connection and vulnerability. As Cooper-Lovett emphasizes, "There is a difference between being busy and being emotionally and physically inaccessible. A busy person can still be emotionally responsive, available, and consistent. Balanced and harmonious busyness creates security, connection, and respect while unavailability creates ambiguity."
We all deserve relationships where we are fully seen and valued. While being booked and busy can be attractive, it should not become a shield that blocks true intimacy. This trend underscores the importance of finding a balance between independence and emotional availability in modern dating.
