When the author discovered she was expecting her first son five years ago, joy was quickly followed by a wave of anxiety about anger. This worry surfaced amid news of yet another school shooting and a relentless media focus on boys, guns, and rage. While she recognized the complexity of such violence and is surrounded by caring men, the hormonal reality of first-time motherhood—and likely some perinatal anxiety—fueled a specific fear: would she raise an angry young man?
She was far from alone. This widespread concern was powerfully articulated by comedian Michael Ian Black in his 2018 New York Times piece, "The Boys Are Not All Right," which argued that boys often feel limited to expressing masculinity through withdrawal or rage. The article resonated deeply, garnering over 2,100 comments.
Now, after years of watching her sons' personalities blossom, those early fears feel distant. She knows that boys do not inherently struggle with anger simply because of their gender. Yet, like all children, they do lash out—in frustration or defiance. The goal, then, is not to eliminate anger but to equip them to navigate it. "Parents need to give their children the tools to understand their feelings, and it needs to be developed just like developing understanding of other complicated and abstract concepts," explains Steven Meyers, a psychology professor at Roosevelt University in Chicago.
Understanding Anger and Gender Differences
Anger is fundamentally a response to a perceived threat, triggering adrenaline, increased heart rate, and higher blood pressure. Feeling angry is normal and sometimes healthy. Problems arise when it isn't managed well.
While it's a myth that boys experience anger more frequently than girls, experts note broad patterns in expression. "Psychologists have a saying that boys externalize and girls internalize," says Meyers. Boys are more likely to direct distress outward as verbal or physical aggression, whereas girls may turn frustration inward, leading to self-blame or depression. These are generalizations, but they inform the differing rates of certain disorders between genders.
Practical Strategies for Parents
1. Help Your Child Label His Feelings
The first step in managing anger is identification. "The first step to stress and anger management is to help your child identify what’s going on, and to empathize with it," advises Kelsey Torgerson Dunn, a St. Louis-based social worker specializing in child and teen anxiety and anger. For young children, parents can describe observed emotions: "Your body looks like it’s feeling frustrated," or "It seems like you are feeling angry, because I told you ‘no.’" This prompts self-reflection, even if the child corrects you.
For older kids and teens, Dunn suggests a more collaborative approach: "If I were in this situation, I’d probably feel pretty mad. Walk me through what’s going on for you."
2. Be Soothing, Not Dismissive
When a child is angry, the instinct might be to walk away. While strategic ignoring can help with tantrums, soothing is often crucial. "Anger can overwhelm young children. They do not necessarily have the ability to calm themselves down," Meyers states. Respond with patience and calm, showing you aren't trying to stifle their emotion—a vital message for boys often told to bottle up feelings. This models self-compassion and teaches them eventual self-soothing techniques like deep breathing.
3. Provide Clear Consequences
Soothing should not mean permissiveness. "Consequences are needed when anger spills over into aggression, especially as boys get older," Meyers emphasizes. He often tells boys: "You can feel whatever you want to feel, but you can’t always do whatever you want to do." Consequences like brief time-outs or loss of privileges teach the distinction between emotion and behavior. Plan consequences ahead of time to avoid empty threats in the heat of the moment.
4. Know When to Seek Help
Psychologists assess behaviors using frequency, duration, intensity, and age-appropriateness. If a boy struggles with anger daily, it may signal a deeper issue. Dunn suggests noting if problems like aggression occur across settings (e.g., both home and school), indicating a general response pattern rather than a situational one.
"Parents don’t always know what is going on underneath their sons’ anger. There might be stress, or anxiety, or depression," Dunn notes. Starting with a pediatrician or teacher conversation is a good first step to uncover root causes.
Moving Beyond Stereotypes
The journey from fearing anger in boys to guiding them through it is one of understanding and skill-building. By teaching emotional literacy, offering calm support, setting firm boundaries, and seeking help when needed, parents can help their sons experience anger without being controlled by it. The aim is to raise emotionally intelligent men who feel empowered to express a full range of feelings in healthy, constructive ways.
