Dear Abby: Navigating a Slow-Paced Romance After Past Trauma
A man from Virginia has reached out to advice columnist Dear Abby with a heartfelt dilemma about his four-month relationship with a woman named Rita. The writer, who identifies himself as "Taking It Slow in Virginia," describes a romance that has progressed at an exceptionally measured pace, leaving him uncertain about his future with a partner who has experienced significant emotional wounds from previous marriages.
The Background of Emotional Scars
Rita's relationship history includes a 22-year marriage to an emotionally abusive husband, followed by a second marriage to a manipulative partner. These experiences have left her understandably cautious about romantic commitment. The letter writer explains that their physical intimacy has been limited to pecks on the lips, hugging, holding hands, and just one "real kiss" in their four months together.
"She said we were going too fast and she wanted to slow down," the man writes. "I understood and have exerted no pressure on her." Despite his patience, he notes that Rita has canceled dates for various reasons and occasionally gone silent for a day at a time, though she assures him she's not seeing anyone else.
The Current Relationship Dynamics
The writer has fallen hard for Rita and has serious intentions about their future together. He has told her she's worth the wait, and she acknowledges having strong feelings for him, stating that he treats her better than any man she's ever been involved with. However, she admits she doesn't know how to handle these emotions.
The central concern revolves around terminology and definition. After four months, they haven't established labels like "dating" or "girlfriend and boyfriend," which leaves the writer worried he might be wasting his time. "I'm not worried about sex or anything like that," he clarifies, "but four months without even calling us 'dating' has me worried."
Abby's Compassionate Advice
Dear Abby responds with understanding and practical guidance. She acknowledges that Rita's hesitation is understandable given her history of two unsuccessful marriages. Her advice is clear: Continue allowing the relationship to develop slowly.
"If, after a year (eight months from now), Rita still feels uncomfortable calling you 'boyfriend' or 'companion,' revisit the conversation and decide then if you have invested enough time," Abby advises. This gives the relationship a full year to evolve naturally while providing a reasonable timeframe for reassessment.
A Contrasting Positive Example
The column also includes a second letter from "Fortunate in New York," who shares a beautiful tribute to her late mother-in-law. This woman treated her with caring, acceptance, and love from the moment they met 43 years ago, creating a warm family environment that extended to all her children's spouses.
After losing her mother-in-law at age 89 to Parkinson's and dementia, the writer expresses hope that others can find common ground with their mothers-in-law, especially when children are involved. Abby responds with appreciation for this positive example of family relationships.
These contrasting letters highlight the spectrum of human connections—from the cautious beginnings of new romance to the enduring bonds of family—all through the lens of Dear Abby's trademark compassionate advice.
