We all know that person. The gift giver who hands over a present and immediately launches into a story about how difficult it was to find, how much it cost, or the lengthy shipping ordeal. According to etiquette professionals, these common habits can transform a kind gesture into an uncomfortable, even rude, experience.
The True Spirit of a Gift
"In an idealized world, gifts are a tangible expression of your love and esteem for someone else," explained Jodi R.R. Smith, president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. "It is a bellwether for your relationship. A gift is a way of turning your feelings into an object or experience in a way your words or actions cannot."
However, not everyone's approach to gift-giving reflects this meaningful intent. Even with the best intentions, people can fall into patterns that come across as impolite. HuffPost consulted Smith and other leading etiquette authorities to identify the most common rude behaviors surrounding presents.
Top Gift-Giving Mistakes to Avoid
1. Bringing Up The Cost
"When giving a gift, don't tell people how much it cost," advised Nick Leighton, etiquette expert and cohost of the "Were You Raised by Wolves?" podcast. "The best gifts are the ones that are thoughtful, not the ones that are expensive." He suggests that the most memorable gifts in one's life are rarely the priciest.
Smith agrees, stating that commenting on price is a rude behavior. "Givers should be shopping within their own budgets. You should not be going into debt to give gifts," she said. The importance lies in staying within your planned amount, not the dollar figure.
2. Expecting A Gift In Return
"One of the most common, yet rude faux pas is once you give someone a gift and they open it with excitement, you then say, 'So, where's my gift?'" said Jackie Vernon-Thompson, founder of From the Inside-Out School of Etiquette. She calls this a huge no-no, emphasizing that a true gift has no strings attached.
Leighton echoed this sentiment, questioning, "If you give a gift, but there are strings attached, is it really a gift?" Smith added that while gifting is often reciprocal, it doesn't need to be simultaneous. The pure reward should be the recipient's genuine gratitude.
3. Belittling Your Present
Smith strongly advises against immediately downplaying your own gift with phrases like "It's just something small" or "I found it on sale." "Stop. You are giving someone a gift, do not diminish it," she instructed. This habit undermines the gesture's value before the recipient can even appreciate it.
4. Giving A Thoughtless Present
"Rude behavior involves giving a thoughtless gift," stated Diane Gottsman, etiquette expert and author of "Modern Etiquette for a Better Life." Examples include visibly used items or presents that clearly required minimal consideration for the recipient.
"With gifts, it truly is the thought that counts," Smith affirmed. The closeness of the relationship should correlate with the level of thought invested in the selection.
Considering the Recipient and Context
5. Not Considering The Recipient
Etiquette expert August Abbott of JustAnswer urges givers to think about the person receiving the gift, not themselves. "Make it appropriate for them, not something that you want," she said. For acquaintances, safe options like a coffee shop gift card are recommended.
Vernon-Thompson suggests subtle inquiry into a person's wish list to ensure the gift will be genuinely appreciated and not forgotten.
6. Giving An Uncomfortable Gift
Experts warn against overly personal gifts like lingerie or fragrance, which can imply a relationship depth that doesn't exist and create awkwardness. Vernon-Thompson encourages mindfulness about the relationship from the recipient's perspective. "When in doubt, select something neutral, appropriate and modest," she advised, noting that extravagant spending can create an unintended sense of obligation.
7. Blatantly Regifting
While regifting is acceptable under specific conditions, it must not be blatant. Smith clarified it's fine if the item is new, unused, out of its original wrapping, and the original giver and new recipient move in different social circles. However, regifting within the same family or friend group is risky.
8. Giving The Gift At An Inappropriate Time
Timing matters. Smith highlighted two key rules: if no one else is exchanging gifts and others are present, wait until later; and if another significant event is happening, let the gift wait. Being aware of your surroundings is crucial to avoid putting the recipient on the spot.
The Path to More Meaningful Giving
The consensus among etiquette professionals is clear: successful gift-giving hinges on thoughtfulness, generosity without expectation, and respect for the recipient's perspective. By avoiding these eight common pitfalls, gift-givers can ensure their presents are received as the genuine gestures of appreciation they are meant to be, strengthening relationships rather than creating discomfort.
