Grim-Keeping: The New Dating Trend That Bonds People Through Shared Dislikes
In a cultural shift that feels particularly timely, society appears to be transitioning from what might be called a "Lover era" to what many are dubbing a "Hater era." Rather than connecting over mutual passions like specialty coffee drinks, pop culture obsessions, or adorable animal behaviors, people are increasingly finding common ground through the things that make them cringe. Generation Z has introduced yet another delightfully chaotic dating phenomenon, and this one carries the telling name "grim-keeping."
What Exactly Is Grim-Keeping?
Grim-keeping fundamentally reimagines how we assess dating compatibility. Forget about matching over favorite television series or shared appreciation for romantic beach walks. This emerging trend centers on uniting over the things you simply cannot stand. The spectrum ranges from universally irritating habits—such as loud chewing, poor texting etiquette, or passengers who applaud when an airplane lands—to oddly specific grievances like a disdain for raisins in cookies or deep suspicion toward anyone who still actively uses Facebook. In essence, grim-keeping transforms negativity into a novel form of romantic connection.
As the name vividly suggests, grim-keeping involves bonding over life's darker, pettier, and often more humorous aspects. Instead of exchanging lists of hobbies or beloved books, individuals connect by comparing pet peeves, dislikes, and outright deal-breakers. Think of it as anti-compatibility compatibility—a method of declaring: If we both despise the same thing, perhaps we're actually meant to be.
For some practitioners, grim-keeping manifests as mutual frustration over unreliable friends in an era where organizing group gatherings feels nearly impossible. For others, it involves shared eye-rolling at excessive cosmetic procedures. Importantly, this behavior extends beyond romantic contexts into platonic relationships as well. Many friendships and partnerships find their foundation in shared aversions rather than shared enthusiasms.
Why Generation Z Embraces This Negative Bonding
In many ways, grim-keeping represents a logical evolution. It echoes the timeless wisdom that relationships aren't measured solely by good times but by how partners navigate difficulties together. Yes, dancing together at weddings is enjoyable, but will you provide support during a funeral? As it turns out, shared misery can foster intimacy just as effectively as shared joy.
Generation Z has had ample practice with the "worse" portion of "for better or worse." This cohort has matured in a world that appears perpetually stuck in crisis mode. Economic instability serves as the constant background music of their lives—a cycle of recessions where most people remain uncertain whether we're currently in one, approaching one, or simply experiencing existence as one prolonged economic downturn. Layer on political turmoil, climate anxiety, elusive job prospects, and technology that simultaneously connects and corrodes relationships, and you have a generation fluent in cynicism.
Consequently, when navigating the dating landscape, Gen Z naturally shows less interest in bonding over picture-perfect highlights and greater curiosity about how potential partners respond to life's grim, frustrating, and absurd elements.
Mila Smith, a relationship and dating coach, observes: "Gen Z is a generation that values self-expression, mental health awareness, and honesty about their preferences—particularly their dislikes. Arguably the most outspoken generation yet, they don't suppress their feelings; they express them openly. This is meme culture in action: playfully mocking common attitudes and behaviors."
Smith adds: "Grim-keeping often accelerates connection. Finding common interests can be time-consuming because hobbies span a vast spectrum from classical music to badminton. Our list of dislikes tends to be shorter and frequently centers on universal turnoffs like poor hygiene, bad manners, or interrupting others. Bonding over life's darker side creates an immediate sense of unity and belonging—a shared sympathy that can feel surprisingly intimate."
Monica Lynne, a sex and relationship expert at the dating app Flirtini, believes Gen Z views grim-keeping as rebellion against meticulously curated online personas. "Gen Z has grown up surrounded by polished Instagram feeds and idealized visions of adult life," Lynne explains. "Consequently, they often regard refined self-presentation with suspicion. Grim-keeping functions as an antidote—it normalizes, even celebrates, bonding over negativity. Complaining about slow pedestrians or mocking a celebrity becomes an authenticity flex. By sharing irritations, Gen Z daters reveal unfiltered aspects of their worldview, which feels more trustworthy and attractive than a list of safe, conventional interests."
Lynne further notes that sharing dislikes can facilitate deeper connections. "It creates a bond blending intensity and levity—which can feel more genuine than merely exchanging positive qualities," she says. "When two people agree on what feels irritating or absurd, they're establishing a safe space to be their petty, authentic selves. Essentially, you're demonstrating that you process the world similarly—and that can indicate stronger chemistry than both enjoying the same television program."
Real-World Examples of Grim-Keeping in Action
Flirtini reports that grim-keeping has become a fixture on dating platforms. "Instead of completing prompts with earnest declarations about hobbies, people write about their 'icks' and annoyances," Lynne states. "A match who responds with humor becomes a strong candidate for connection. In this way, grim-keeping serves both as an icebreaker and a sorting mechanism."
However, while this approach might make swiping more entertaining, does it undermine the original purpose of these prompts? If everyone seeks the quirkiest complaint, are we actually learning meaningful information about a person? You might both detest sparkling water (however absurd that may be), but what about their core values, passions, or weekend activities?
Several Gen Z daters, who requested anonymity by using only first names, shared the strangely specific things they've bonded over, demonstrating that shared annoyance can sometimes be the fastest route to intimacy.
- Michaela, 22: "We realized we both disliked this particular TikTok influencer, so we'd constantly send each other her videos. We actually broke up a while ago, but we still exchange these videos when they appear on our For You pages. Sometimes I'll even check if she's posted new content just to have an excuse to reach out."
- Flo, 28: "My partner and I bond over someone in our group chat who consistently cancels plans last minute with weak excuses. We even place bets on whether they'll flake yet again."
- Chloe, 26: "My boyfriend and I get genuinely annoyed when watching shows featuring actors who've clearly had excessive cosmetic work. It always gives us a good laugh though… maybe that makes us mean?"
The Potential Downsides of Negative Bonding
Traditional wisdom encourages us to "always look on the bright side of life," but grim-keeping essentially advocates the opposite. Critics express concern that it could feed into the endless cycle of negativity we absorb from social media and news outlets. If cynicism becomes your starting point in dating, are you merely reinforcing an already grim worldview instead of discovering small pockets of joy?
Smith warns about the clear dangers of bonding through negativity. By focusing on dislikes, people risk overlooking a partner's positive qualities. Moreover, pet peeves or shared aversions don't necessarily reveal deeper life values—the actual foundation of lasting relationships. Core values regarding family, spirituality, career, health, finances, and social justice matter far more than mutual hatred toward the same influencer.
Lynne views grim-keeping as a form of honesty: "If your irritations and pet peeves are received positively from the outset, you've already established a foundation for being accepted authentically."
However, she cautions that this alone cannot sustain a lasting relationship. "The drawback is its focus on petty matters and negativity," Lynne says. "Grim-keeping should function as an on-ramp—a way to initiate deeper conversations about what truly motivates you. That approach ensures you're not merely bonding over shared dislikes but exploring the Venn diagram of values, beliefs, and passions that creates genuine compatibility."
While bonding over dislikes can feel refreshing—finally encountering someone who shares your disdain for that overhyped artist or agrees that parsley ruins everything—it doesn't constitute a solid foundation for enduring partnership. Similar to "freak matching," which bonds people over unique and unusual interests, grim-keeping hinges on oddly specific details that may spark initial connection but don't always translate to long-term compatibility. Sure, you both despise the same Grey's Anatomy character, but do you share fundamental values? Are you aligned on perspectives about work, love, or the future? Ultimately, mutual disdain for a fictional surgeon won't help you navigate a mortgage or a painful breakup.
