The Enduring Pain of 'The One Who Got Away'
When Clara discovered her college crush was getting married, a wave of heartbreak washed over her. She had secretly wished it was the two of them exchanging vows. Their friendship during college had blossomed into Clara's first queer awakening, a powerful emotion she could no longer ignore. "[The crush] was strong enough that I had to admit it, or it would eat me alive," Clara, who requested a pseudonym for privacy, shared with HuffPost.
At the time, fear of ruining their friendship held her back from pursuing those feelings. It wasn't until years later that Clara finally confessed. "She was really kind, and even implied she might have felt that way too [back then]," Clara recalled, but the mutual attraction had faded. "I do still think about her," she admitted.
Why These Exes Haunt Us Most
Angela Sitka, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains that no ex lingers more painfully than "the one who got away." This phrase often encapsulates a narrative of regret for someone we never acted on or lost before exploring the relationship's potential. Witnessing someone you once felt intensely for move on can be a jarring wake-up call.
Even after years of no contact, milestones like marriage or relocation can trigger past emotions and reignite dormant hopes. Sitka notes that experiencing waves of sadness, anger, guilt, or regret is normal, even if you're happily married to someone else. "There can also be frustration and anger at them for moving on and at yourself for not taking action sooner," she added, echoing Clara's feelings.
Clara found herself wondering if she could ever have the beautiful married life she had envisioned with someone else. "Even though my brain understands that I'm romanticizing her, the fact that we never dated makes it impossible to have any actual perspective on what it would have looked like to be together," she said.
The Psychology Behind the Longing
With typical breakups, there's more context and clarity about why things ended. However, crushes not acted upon or missed connections remain open-ended, leading to intensified longing and regret. Sitka highlights a fantasy component where we idealize what could have been if we had pursued it differently.
"Our brains are wired to ruminate on situations where we believe different actions might have changed the outcome," Sitka explained. This makes the uncertainty of a deeper connection more intrusive than the pain of rejection. Matthew Walters experienced this after breaking up with his college girlfriend following her grandmother's death. "I wasn't really present for her for that," he recalled, leading to years of depression and self-blame.
Waters dated others but constantly measured them against his ex and the fantasy of what was. Sitka points out that these emotions are often less about the person and more about the nostalgia surrounding them. "We might long for remembering the version of ourselves we were with them. Maybe we felt more spontaneous, youthful or adventurous," she said. "The pain isn't just about the person—it's about mourning the potential and the version of ourselves we imagined we could have been with them."
Practical Steps to Move Forward
Romanticizing someone from the past can hinder emotional presence in current relationships, but moving on is possible. The first step is accepting your feelings. Sitka recommends therapy to explore deeper narratives, such as fears of never finding love again, and to separate emotional truth from storylines that keep you stuck.
Therapy can also address inner healing, especially if you tie self-worth to that person. "That scarcity mindset that says, 'I'll never meet someone else like that again' can be a powerful narrative," Sitka added. For Clara, therapy helped her recognize she was idealizing her crush, facilitating her healing.
Creating Healthy Boundaries
Avoiding contact is crucial. Muting or unfollowing on social media, not fishing for updates from mutual friends, and steering clear of events where they might be present can help. Sitka warns that staying friends to be "the bigger person" can blur boundaries and sustain hope.
"If you're constantly checking their social media, reaching out under false pretenses, or waiting for them to return, it may be time to ask: What am I really hoping for?" she advised. Asking friends and family not to mention the person can reinforce these boundaries.
Reframing the Narrative
Remember that these people are often based on fantasies. The relationship's end doesn't mean you missed out on an amazing partner. "What often keeps people stuck is not the actual person or relationship, but the story they've built around it," Sitka said. Instead, focus on your needs and desired qualities in a future partner. "The truth is, if you had a meaningful connection once, you are capable of creating that again."
For Walters, hearing about his ex's marriage was a wake-up call. "I had been wasting so much time pining after what was really a short relationship for people who were young and didn't really know much about the world," he realized.
The Path to Healing and Acceptance
Healing doesn't require erasing every thought or emotion. "The goal isn't to get over it, but to stop letting it run your life," Sitka emphasized. Reframing with self-talk like, "That relationship was special, and I'll find something meaningful again someday," promotes healthier acceptance.
Both Clara and Walters found closure. Clara acknowledged her crush's happiness with her spouse, saying, "I'm happy for them and sad for me too." Walters, now happily married for 17 years, co-wrote a book with his wife and reflects, "I know that that was never meant to be my life." His ex is also thriving, married with three children.
Ultimately, time eases the pain, but lingering thoughts are normal. Embracing the experience while looking forward to future connections allows for genuine healing and growth.
