Retromancing: The Nostalgic Dating Trend Reviving Old-School Romance
In an era of instant gratification—where sushi arrives at our door in minutes, shopping is a few taps away, and dating apps offer validation from the couch—some singles are craving a deliberate slowdown. Inspired by nostalgic TV shows like "Friends" and family stories that begin with "Back in my day," daters are increasingly chasing grand gestures, simpler dates, and less technology. This movement, dubbed "retromancing," is either the most romantic trend yet or, as skeptics argue, merely an excuse for flaky, low-effort behavior. Let's explore this cultural shift in depth.
What Exactly Is 'Retromancing'?
Retromancing represents a conscious return to old-school dating practices, essentially anything that could have been done in the 1990s or earlier. Think homemade meals instead of restaurant reservations, phone calls over endless texting, and handwritten love notes rather than extravagant gifts. The term was coined by the dating platform Plenty of Fish, which has been at the forefront of documenting this trend.
"Retromancing is a throwback to old-school romance," explained Michael Kaye, a dating expert at Plenty of Fish. "It's about nostalgic, intentional gestures like handwritten notes, mixtapes, surprise flowers, holding doors open, or cooking a homemade meal. Our research found that many singles are inspired by their parents' or grandparents' love stories—and even Gen Z is leading the charge, with over a third embracing this softer, more sentimental style of dating."
Practical examples of retromancing include planning a picnic for a second date, sending emails instead of texts, or creating scavenger hunts for anniversary gifts. According to Plenty of Fish's data, 38% of respondents are cooking homemade meals for the perfect date, while 34% are choosing to call rather than text a loved one. Notably, over a third (34%) of Gen Zers are fully embracing this tender throwback, signaling its appeal across generations.
Does Retromancing Strengthen or Weaken Relationships?
As with any new relationship trend, it's crucial to examine retromancing with a clear-eyed perspective. Novelty doesn't inherently equate to improvement—a lesson anyone who once owned an iPod Nano can appreciate. So, does retromancing genuinely benefit couples, or is it just a convenient cover for minimal effort?
According to Kaye, retromancing actively strengthens couples, "especially emotionally." "Retromancing slows things down in a culture that often rushes connection," he elaborated. "These gestures signal care, effort, and thoughtfulness—which are foundational for long-term relationships. When someone takes the time to write a note or make a phone call instead of sending a text, it creates a deeper sense of being valued. As long as it's genuine and not performative, 'retromancing' tends to deepen emotional bonds rather than distract from them."
Jaime Bronstein, a relationship expert at Dating.com, concurred that retromancing can have a profoundly positive impact. "Retromancing generally strengthens couples by fostering emotional closeness and reinforcing the feeling of being truly seen and heard," she said. "Thoughtful gestures create shared memories and moments of nostalgia, which can deepen connection over time. It also encourages appreciation and gratitude between partners, reminding them of the value they bring to each other and helping keep the relationship emotionally meaningful."
Distinguishing Retromancing from Low-Effort Behavior
Retromancing is fundamentally different from being noncommittal or lazy. While a dinner at a fancy French restaurant is delightful, so is someone cooking their favorite meal or taking you to a film they've been excited about for weeks. On the surface, retromancing might appear cheap, but it may actually recalibrate the outsized role of money in modern dating. With headlines inspired by concepts like "Materialists" highlighting finances as a key dating component, how can one tell if someone is retromancing or merely demonstrating minimal effort?
Bronstein emphasized that the distinction lies in intention and effort, not price. "Retromancing is rooted in thoughtfulness and genuine care," she clarified, "while a lack of commitment tends to show up as minimal effort or gestures that feel routine or obligatory. Someone who isn't fully invested may avoid romantic gestures altogether or focus on things that don't actually matter to their partner."
Consistency is another critical factor. "Retromancing involves showing up regularly and making an effort even when it's not the easiest option," Bronstein continued. "It's about actions rather than words. By contrast, an uncommitted partner often only makes gestures when it suits them."
Personalization also plays a key role. "Retromancing reflects attentiveness—understanding a partner's preferences, interests, and shared memories," she noted. "Something as simple as creating a playlist tied to meaningful moments can feel deeply special. When commitment is lacking, gestures are often generic or chosen without considering what the partner would actually enjoy."
Practical Examples and Final Takeaways
To recap, retromancing includes gestures like:
- Crafting a playlist of Taylor Swift songs for a Swiftie partner.
- Bringing a homemade dessert instead of wine to dinner.
- Meeting for a dog walk because both partners adore their pets.
In contrast, behaviors such as never replying to texts, refusing calls, or claiming not to "do" regular communication indicate poor communication skills. Writing poems but refusing to define the relationship or meet friends is performative and annoying. Buying flowers to compensate for forgetting a birthday or bailing on a date is a red flag.
Bronstein's final advice: "A useful question to ask is: Is this coming from genuine thoughtfulness, or from convenience?" Retromancing, when executed with sincerity, offers a meaningful antidote to the fast-paced, technology-driven dating landscape, fostering deeper connections through intentional, nostalgic gestures.
