Years ago, I found myself trying to explain to my then-partner why his beloved coffee table made me anxious. The glass top was always slipping loose, threatening to slide off and shatter at any moment. In the worst-case scenario, I was worried it would slice my foot in half.
At the time, I was already questioning the relationship. And I remember thinking: if he were The One – the soulmate I was meant to spend my life with – I wouldn’t have to explain why it bothered me. He’d simply know.
The Pervasive Belief in 'The One'
There’s this commonly held belief that once you meet 'The One,' everything just falls into place. But what if it was all a hoax? In her book The Malnourished Marriage, author Nancy Perpall argues that while romantic, the concept of a soulmate ultimately sets us up for failure in our relationships.
Perpall views relationships like human bodies. They require specific nutrients, such as communication and trust, to thrive. She says the myth of the soulmate undercuts this, setting partners up for unnecessary disappointment in relationships by creating "unrealistic expectations that your partner is supposed to keep you in a constant state of happiness."
When you put it like that, it makes perfect sense. However, if the soulmate myth is flawed, why are we so eager to believe it?
Why the Soulmate Narrative Persists
For one, it creates an emotionally satisfying story. Hollywood has spoon-fed us the idea that love is all about fate and there is one perfect person out there who will complete us – Jerry Maguire style. This can feel especially comforting. Relationships require us to be vulnerable, which can be scary.
"If love is destined, we don’t have to worry about ambiguity or uncertainty," says Marisa Cohen, a family and marriage therapist and relationship scientist.
While it would be nice if everything were this simple, even the happiest, healthiest partnerships involve negotiation, growth, misunderstandings, and repair.
The Dangers of Unrealistic Expectations
Cohen says, "Partners don’t often just fully 'get us,' and instead we need to work at building an intimate connection. If a person believes in the narrative of 'the one,' they may inaccurately interpret friction as incompatibility."
Psychologist and psychoanalyst Jeffrey B. Rubin agrees. The fantasy that things should just "work" with the right person without any effort is exactly that: a fantasy.
"It creates expectations that are not only unrealistic but difficult to sustain," he says.
For example, expecting your partner to be a mind-reader discourages people from the messy but necessary work of learning how to communicate needs clearly and work through differences in a relationship.
How the Myth Can Sabotage Relationships
When rough patches arrive, and our partner doesn’t live up to the fantasy version we’ve constructed, it can cause us to lose sight of what they genuinely offer.
"Disillusionment is then misread as evidence that something is wrong with our partner, rather than a sign that our expectations may be unrealistic," says Rubin.
In his experience, Rubin says people with this mindset will often throw in the towel on perfectly good relationships the moment they stop feeling magical and effortless.
The soulmate myth can also cause people to devalue relationships that develop more gradually.
"You might find yourself with a kind, supportive, and compatible partner, yet question the relationship simply because it doesn’t align with the ideal of instant, overwhelming chemistry," says Cohen.
The Risk of Staying in Unhealthy Dynamics
The inverse is also true. In some cases, the idea of "The One" can make it more difficult to see the flaws in a relationship that’s run its course.
"You may minimize or justify problematic behaviors by convincing yourself that challenges are simply part of a 'meant to be' connection," says Cohen. "This mindset can make it more likely that someone stays in an unhealthy or toxic dynamic, prioritizing the preservation of the relationship over their own well-being."
Redefining Love and Compatibility
At the end of the day, a strong connection doesn’t necessarily mean a good connection.
"Long-term compatibility is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values between two individuals, as opposed to the dopamine cocktail that lights up the same area of the brain as cocaine when you first meet someone you feel interested in," says Perpall.
Instead of seeking The One, look for a partner who shares similar values, genuinely cares about and considers your feelings, is willing to reflect and grow, and understands that relationships grow over time.
"That is not settling. It is a more mature form of love," says Rubin.
