Most individuals have experienced a conflict with a partner so intense that it feels like their blood is boiling. Whether it's the first argument on a particular topic or the seventeenth recurrence, the emotional turmoil can be overwhelming. In such moments, a critical question often emerges: Has this relationship truly run its course? Determining whether considering a breakup is justified or merely an overreaction to heightened emotions can be incredibly challenging.
The Urge to End Things Prematurely
"You will notice how quickly folks go from 'something's wrong' to 'should we break up?'" explained sex and relationship therapist and author Shadeen Francis during an interview with HuffPost's "Am I Doing It Wrong?" podcast. She emphasized the importance of slowing down to assess what is actually happening in the moment. This simple act of pausing, even for just three seconds during an argument, can make a significant difference.
"You don't notice how long three seconds is until you're in conflict or in a conversation like this and it's just dead air," Francis noted. "It makes a huge difference. The overlap of two people speaking is really normal in conversation, but when we up the ante and turn this into conflict, it is meaningful for us to slow down because we're going to miss a lot of what's happening just for the pure fact that I'm in my feelings and usually they're pretty big feelings."
Evaluating the Need for Separation
If, after taking a pause, you're still gauging whether a separation is necessary, Francis suggested asking if there has been a "hard crossing" of a boundary that you've established. "Is this a feeling? Is this a reaction to a moment? Are we in an immediate crisis or has this been brewing for some time?" she encouraged. "Is this about something I'm feeling right now or something I'm reacting to in the larger pattern of our relationship?"
Francis works with "high-conflict couples" who have been fighting for a significant period and are in therapy to improve their connection. These couples constantly grapple with knowing when to call it quits, and their struggles offer valuable lessons for everyone.
The Timeless Question: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
"The 'should I stay, should I go' conversation is one for the ages," Francis stated. "And it has a lot to do with, when are you done trying to work on this?" Because everyone has vastly different thresholds for discomfort and conflict, as well as different relationship goals, there are no hard rules about when to walk away.
The "Clear and Kind" Approach to Ending a Relationship
However, if you do decide to end a relationship, Francis highlighted two words to always keep in mind: clear and kind. "The shortcut that I always give is 'clear and kind' — be as clear as you can, be as kind as you can," she explained. "That keeps us from doing the coddling that people think that they're doing when they like soften things or try and beat around the bush. That's not kind. We often treat people as though they are fragile. We are tender. We are sensitive — but we're not fragile in that way, and we're actually owed the respect of clarity. We're owed the truth, right? And so be clear and kind."
Francis added that being "clear and kind" is actually a gift for the person you're leaving. "It's a respectful thing that you can do to have a good ending with them that allows them to be in a relationship with someone else who is excited to be in a relationship."
The Ripple Effect of Our Actions
This approach also serves as a gift to yourself, as the way we act in relationships — and the way we end them — can manifest in other areas of our lives. "If you're ghosting people, or doing slow fades to end relationships, you're lying to people," noted podcast co-host Noah Michelson. "It's habitual at some point. And that takes a toll on you too."
Co-host Raj Punjabi-Johnson added, "And it all goes back to not wanting to sit with discomfort." Francis agreed, emphasizing that our repeated actions shape who we are. "What we practice, we become," she said. "Who we are in the world and who we know ourselves to be is what we do repeatedly in the world. So if I'm repeatedly having this process of not sharing how I feel, if I make a practice of that, then that's what my life will be like, and it won't stay contained in your romantic partnerships. If you make a practice of not being clear and kind with people you're dating, you're also going to see it happening in family of origin and you're also going to see it in your friendships."
The podcast episode also delved into additional topics, including how to cope with a breakup, the best place to break up with someone, and thoughts on breakup sex. Listeners are encouraged to tune in for a wealth of relationship tips and insights from an expert in the field.
