If you have ever looked up an ex to see how they are doing, you are not alone. A new survey from RiseGuide found that 48% of millennials and 45% of Gen Z regularly check their exes on social media. Google searches for “How to check on your ex” have surged 1,670% over the past year, according to online writing platform EduBirdie, while searches for “Why do I think about my ex” jumped 174% in the past month alone.
But do not call the stalker police just yet. Looking up an ex to see what their life looks like now compared to when you were together does not necessarily have anything to do with them. If anything, it is more like doom-scrolling about what could have been and fondly remembering how life once was.
It’s Not Them, It’s You
“People usually think they are checking on an ex because they miss them, but they are actually checking on an alternate version of themselves,” said psychotherapist and coach Prudence Leung. The behaviour is called “Phantom Life Syndrome,” and according to the expert at EduBirdie, it has little to do with still having feelings for an ex. The concept came from author Jodi Wellman, who characterizes it as “feelings of discomfort when we recall the better versions our lives ‘used to be.’”
Leave the Past in the Past
Leung dove further into the grass-is-greener perception as it pertains to a past love. “We live in a world that always pushes us to make perfect choices in everything — job, partner, moment,” she explained. “As a result, people begin approaching their breakup analytically rather than emotionally. They start asking themselves: Did I make the right decision? What would my life be like if we stayed together?” That is a road people should not be travelling down, despite how great things appeared to be back then.
“Today’s difficulty is made even worse by social media providing people with the ability to experience alternate versions of lives as no other generation has ever had before,” Leung said. “Your grandparents could not see the life they did not choose developing in real time.” She acknowledged that it is going to happen anyway. “After a breakup, people are always shown curated highlights of their ex’s life, including holiday celebrations, friendships, accomplishments, and even new relationships, generally presented in the most flattering light possible. Not only are you mourning the lost relationship, but also comparing your genuine existence to a filtered version of the future you think you could have had. In many cases, ex-watching is more about self-doubt and less about attachment to someone else.”
Find Joy in the Little Things
Leung noted: “The challenge is that people usually check their ex to make sure their choice was right, but end up feeling worse because of the one picture turning into identity anxiety.” Instead, it is more about focusing on now — the person you are and the people currently in your life. In other words, forget the past! “A good method for self-examination is asking yourself: Am I really searching for them? Or am I looking for reassurance regarding my own decisions?”
