Have you ever questioned how narcissists manage to maintain a circle of loved ones or keep a long-term partner returning repeatedly? Contrary to popular belief, it's not due to their charismatic or grandiose personalities. Instead, experts point to a manipulation tactic known as "narcissistic hoovering," which effectively draws individuals back into the narcissist's orbit.
What Is Narcissistic Hoovering?
The term "hoovering" originates from the Hoover vacuum cleaner brand, as explained by Rachna Buxani, a licensed mental health counselor and author of "Unseen: A Therapist’s Reflection on a Daughter’s Journey Through a Narcissistic Father’s Shadow." According to Wendy T. Behary, founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and author of "Disarming the Narcissist," hoovering occurs when a narcissist attempts to lure a former romantic partner, family member, or friend back into their life after a breakup or conflict.
"It’s almost like sucking somebody back into the relationship," Buxani said, highlighting the analogy to vacuum suction. Narcissists employ various strategies to achieve this, such as displaying charm, apologizing for past behaviors, and making extravagant promises.
The Motivations Behind Hoovering
Behary emphasized that hoovering is often driven by revenge rather than a genuine desire to reconnect. "There’s this seeming sense of ownership ... the hoovering or coercive behavior is more manipulative. It’s more of a strategy or a tactic or a scheme to try to get somebody to come back," she noted. This distinguishes it from healthy "win you back" dynamics in relationships, as hoovering is primarily about control and dominance.
While some narcissists may seek connection, realizing they've lost a valuable partner, Behary explained that they might engage in begging and promises of change. However, Buxani stressed that control is usually the core issue, stating, "Because narcissism is a lot about relationship control."
How Hoovering Fuels Narcissistic Supply
Hoovering serves to protect narcissists from their deep-seated insecurities and fuels their "narcissistic supply," which Buxani defined as any form of attention. This can include positive attention, like compliments, or negative attention, such as arguments. "What the narcissist needs to know is they are relevant. So if they’ve done something that has caused you anger, that means they matter. And if they’ve done something that causes you to appreciate [them], again, means they matter," she said. This need stems from a profound sense of inadequacy.
Even when a partner initiates a breakup due to the narcissist's actions, the narcissist perceives it as an ego injury or "narcissistic collapse," driving them to reclaim what they feel unjustly lost, according to Behary. Underlying this behavior is deep shame and insecurity, reawakened by rejection.
Hoovering in Different Relationships
Hoovering is most prevalent in romantic relationships, where it forms part of the narcissistic relationship cycle: idealization or "love bombing," devaluing, discard, and then hoovering. Behary noted that narcissists may feel they've lost control over a partner or the facade of a "perfect" relationship, prompting hoovering efforts.
However, this tactic can also occur in familial relationships and friendships. For instance, a narcissistic parent might devalue a child for years, only to hoover them back with false apologies after the child distances themselves. Similarly, a narcissistic sibling might manipulate a non-narcissistic sibling through parental intervention to regain control and cause emotional pain.
Recognizing Hoovering Tactics
Hoovering manifests differently based on the relationship dynamics, as narcissists tailor their approach to exploit vulnerabilities. Buxani explained, "They tell you what you want to hear, and that also makes it so difficult for the person on the other side to say no, because they waited all that time in the relationship to hear this." Common tactics include:
- Incessant calls, texts, or messages through intermediaries
- Sending gifts like flowers or showing up at familiar locations
- Using guilt trips, such as exaggerating health issues
- Resorting to threats or stalking in extreme cases
How to Combat Narcissistic Hoovering
Understanding hoovering is crucial for resisting its pull. Behary advised, "The more you understand narcissism, the greater the chance that you don’t get sucked back in when they start hoovering because you understand that this is a tactic." Building a support system and working with a therapist knowledgeable about narcissism can help individuals navigate these toxic dynamics.
Buxani recommended sharing minimal information with narcissists, as they may target you when they perceive you're doing well. While going no contact is often the safest option, it's not always feasible. In such cases, Behary stressed that the narcissist must seek professional help for any chance of reconciliation, especially if abuse has occurred.
For assistance, in the U.S., individuals can call 1-866-331-9474 or text "loveis" to 22522 for the National Dating Abuse Helpline.
