As beings inherently wired for social connection, holidays like Valentine's Day—specifically designed to celebrate romantic love—can often trigger complex and difficult emotions for those who are single. According to Montreal-based psychologist Vanessa Delisle, this phenomenon is entirely natural, much like the heightened need for companionship that can arise on birthdays.
Understanding the Psychological Impact
Delisle, who serves as a crisis psychologist at St. Mary's Hospital and founded Bridge Mental Health and Therapy Services in Westmount, explains that the human mind functions as a problem-solving machine. When faced with an unmet need for connection, it may erroneously fill in the blanks with self-critical thoughts, such as believing something is fundamentally wrong with oneself.
"Our mind is a little problem-solving machine and will fill in the blanks for us, and it's going to say, 'This need's not filled because there's something wrong with me,'" Delisle stated.
Identifying and Matching Needs to Activities
Her primary advice for individuals grappling with loneliness on Valentine's Day is to first pinpoint the specific type of connection they are lacking. Is it an emotional connection or a physical one? Once identified, the next step is to deliberately select an activity that aligns with that need, thereby planning an ideal day tailored to personal fulfillment.
"I think that when we match the activity to the need that we have, we end up feeling much more fulfilled by it," she emphasized.
For those seeking emotional connection, Delisle recommends reaching out to loved ones, whether family or friends, to organize a get-together, a simple phone call, or a video chat via platforms like FaceTime. Broader social immersion can also be beneficial.
"That might look like taking a fun class," she suggested. "A cooking class or a workout class, or even just going to a café and doing some work from there or reading a book from there so you're surrounded by people and feel a little bit less alone."
Individuals craving physical connection might consider indulging in a facial or a massage. Delisle encourages going all out with a full spa day or keeping it simple with a cozy, comforting bath enhanced by bath salts, bubble bath, and candles.
Reframing Solo Activities and Emotional Responses
Delisle acknowledges that many people feel uneasy about engaging in traditionally social activities alone, such as dining out or going to the movies. She notes that this discomfort often stems not from the activity itself, but from the internal narratives and messages we attach to it.
"I think when we do these activities alone, these activities that in our culture are often done with other people, it kind of sheds a light on some deeper fears or deeper themes of belonging, worthiness, 'Is my life where I want it to be?' type of thing," she explained.
To overcome this emotional roadblock, Delisle advises a two-step process: first, name and normalize the emotion, much like acknowledging a child seeking attention; second, create distance from the thought or emotion by reframing it. For instance, instead of thinking "I'm behind in life," one might say, "I am having the thought that I'm behind in life." This subtle shift can alter how the thought resonates.
Avoiding Common 'Thinking Traps'
Delisle also cautions against falling into "thinking traps," particularly the all-or-nothing thinking that can emerge around Valentine's Day. This cognitive distortion involves believing that the holiday's significance defines one's entire life and future, which is not accurate.
"A common one around this time of year would be the all-or-nothing thinking—that Valentine's Day and what it represents is indicative of your life as a whole and the future, and that's not the case," she said. "So just being able to reframe that into maybe, 'This is a hard moment, but it's not a permanent state.'"
She stresses that Valentine's Day is merely one day out of the year and underscores the importance of cultivating self-love and nurturing connections with others on a daily basis. "Why? Because connection is such an important human need," Delisle remarked. "But also, who doesn't feel good when they feel connected to themselves and to others? Don't wait for a day to do that."
Ultimately, Delisle reminds singles that there is no obligation to celebrate Valentine's Day. It can be treated as any ordinary day or transformed into a special personal excursion, such as exploring Montreal's charming Old Port, visiting museums, or enjoying coffee while people-watching. The key is to align activities with genuine needs and to practice compassionate self-awareness.
