Why Many Women Accept Painful Sex as Normal: Breaking the Cycle
In a culture that often frames female bodies as inherently problematic, many women grow up believing that pain and frustration during sexual experiences are simply part of being a woman. This normalization of discomfort is explored in depth by author Suzannah Weiss in her new book, Eve's Blessing: Uncovering the Lost Pleasure Behind Female Pain, which challenges long-held myths and advocates for a pleasure-centered approach to women's health.
The Cultural Conditioning of Female Pain
From early adolescence, women are frequently exposed to messages that frame their bodies as burdensome. Period cramps, childbirth, and difficult first-time sexual experiences are often discussed as inevitable hardships rather than conditions that can be managed or improved. Weiss reflects on her own upbringing, noting, "As a child, I was flooded with inaccurate, decontextualized and downright frightening information about my body." This cultural conditioning leads many women to accept sexual pain as normal, missing opportunities for joyful and fulfilling experiences.
Medical Oversights and Personal Stories
Weiss's personal journey highlights how medical systems can contribute to this problem. For years, she struggled to orgasm with partners, unaware that her antidepressant medication, Prozac, was significantly impacting her sexual response—a side effect her doctor never mentioned. When she stopped the medication, her ability to experience pleasure improved dramatically. Her story is not unique; it reflects a broader pattern where women's health concerns, particularly regarding sexuality, are frequently overlooked or minimized by healthcare providers.
Confronting the Statistics
The prevalence of female sexual pain is staggering. Research indicates that up to 91% of women experience period pain, approximately 1 in 13 women report painful intercourse, and between 5-10% of women have never had an orgasm. Weiss emphasizes that these disparities are not inevitable. "Yet nothing about these disparities is inevitable," she writes, urging women to question the status quo and seek better solutions.
Practical Steps Toward Pleasure
Weiss offers several actionable strategies for women experiencing sexual discomfort:
- Self-Advocacy in Healthcare: If a doctor offers only medication as a solution, seek a second opinion. Specialists like pelvic floor physical therapists can provide targeted care for pain during sex.
- Mind-Body Connection: Acknowledge the impact of sexual trauma on physical health. Healing the relationship with one's body after assault or harassment can be crucial to recovery.
- Expanding Definitions of Pleasure: Focus on full-body sensations rather than just genital stimulation. Many people can orgasm through stimulation of areas like the nipples, neck, or lips, or through visual and auditory cues.
- Communication with Partners: Be specific about needs in the bedroom. Weiss credits sex therapist Vanessa Marin's Finishing School course with teaching her to make clear requests and prioritize her own pleasure.
Reclaiming Pleasure as a Birthright
Weiss argues that pleasure, not pain, should be viewed as women's birthright. Simple practices like savoring food, enjoying showers, or engaging in mindful touch with a partner can help rebuild a positive connection with the body. For those dealing with painful penetration, alternatives like oral sex, sex toys, or mutual masturbation may offer satisfying options.
A Call for Systemic Change
While individual efforts are important, Weiss stresses that broader changes in healthcare, lifestyle, and culture are needed to fully support women's sexual wellness. By listening to their bodies, advocating for pleasure, and demanding thorough care from medical professionals, women can begin to shift the narrative away from pain and toward empowerment. "That won't immediately create perfect health for everyone, but it will be one step there," she concludes.
