When I welcomed four children into the world within just four years, my approach to parenting underwent a radical, necessary shift. Surrendering to the beautiful chaos of a house full of tears—from both kids and adults—meant letting go of perfectionism. This shift to an essentials-only philosophy, it turned out, was the greatest gift I could give both myself and my children.
I discovered that not catering to my kids' every demand didn't just preserve my sanity; it actively helped them grow into more independent and self-assured individuals. The lesson was clear: sometimes, the best way to raise capable kids is to put your feet up and let them figure it out.
Practical Strategies for Stepping Back
Make them fetch their own utensils. Without fail, the moment I sit down after preparing dinner, a request for a fork, water, or napkin arises. My consistent reply? "No." The drawer is just as close to them as it is to me. Child psychologist Caitlin McLear supports this, telling HuffPost that discomfort is not dangerous. "The more we practice being uncomfortable, the easier it gets," she explained. This simple act builds self-sufficiency from a young age.
Resist the urge to check their homework. Having spent two decades as a student myself, I have little interest in revisiting long division. I'll help my children understand an assignment (math excluded), but then the responsibility is theirs. As they've grown, I've realized I don't need to micromanage their study time or obsess over every grade between report cards. McLear agrees, noting, "Consequences and failure are how we learn." Constant hovering can make children feel like projects rather than empowered individuals.
Selectively ignore parent sign-up sheets. Every "yes" to an external commitment is a "no" to something else, often your own peace. Will my daughter remember in a decade if I sent store-bought snacks to soccer? Will my son care in a week about elaborate Valentine's bags? Unlikely. What they will remember is a stressed, yelling mom. I choose to relax, let other parents volunteer for the field trip, and focus on being the calm, present parent at pick-up with energy left for a bedtime story.
Embracing Boredom and Natural Consequences
Limit organized activities. Unstructured time is a critical ingredient for childhood. McLear points out that "boredom helps kids develop skills like planning, problem-solving, and distress tolerance." The odds of raising a professional athlete or musician are minuscule, so daily shuttling to structured lessons often yields limited benefits if it leaves kids exhausted. They need daily downtime as much as parents need quiet time after they're asleep.
Don't deliver forgotten items to school. With four kids, forgotten water bottles, homework, or sports gear are a daily certainty. Unless it's a genuine emergency, they learn to cope without it. This might mean a late homework grade or soccer practice without shin guards. Holding children accountable for small mistakes prepares them to take responsibility for larger ones later in life. It also normalizes imperfection for both the kids and their teachers.
Let them email their teachers. My experience teaching college English showed me that many young adults cannot compose a basic, polite email. Once in middle school, kids need regular practice communicating with adults. A 2019 report revealed that only 8% of 18-year-olds in America could schedule a doctor's appointment. Until I'm paid as their personal assistant, my children will draft their own messages.
Building Life Skills Through Daily Routines
Don't pack their lunches. When my eldest started kindergarten, I had one-year-old twins. Creating intricate lunchbox art was never on the table. We instructed her to eat the school cafeteria food, and she did. Now older, she packs her own lunch if she adds items to the grocery list. If she forgets it? That's her problem to solve.
Take them grocery shopping. Finding childcare for errands is exhausting and costly. I bring my kids along, saving babysitters for true breaks. While shopping with children is not relaxing, mine have learned to participate. If kids don't understand how a home is stocked, adulthood will be a harsh wake-up call. This drudgery prepares them for life's mundane tasks and fosters appreciation for the work of running a household.
Send them outside to play—unsupervised. We live in the suburbs, so my kids often climb trees and build forts. This isn't due to extraordinary bravery but because I frequently send them outdoors. Modern parents are often risk-averse, but psychologist Jonathan Haidt argues in his book "The Anxious Generation" that risky play is vital. It helps children "develop a broad set of competences," including judging risk, taking appropriate action, and learning they can handle minor setbacks without adult intervention.
Prioritize your own interests at home. U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy's report notes parents spend more time than ever on child-centric activities, leaving little for "parental leisure." My time with my kids isn't always focused on them. By watching me garden, my twins learned to plant and weed. If they see me reading, they often grab a book too. If not, they find screen-free ways to entertain themselves. Doing things I enjoy is a crucial step in maintaining my own mental health.
If our ultimate goal is to raise independent adults, child psychologists concur we can release the guilt associated with some benign neglect. This paradigm shift allows us to see that what some might call "lazy parenting" is, in fact, a necessary and effective method for fostering maturity and resilience in our children.
