As individuals transition into adulthood, the dynamic with their parents inevitably evolves, often presenting both opportunities for deeper connection and challenges that require intentional effort. Cultivating a healthy relationship during this new life stage demands clear communication, mutual respect, and empathy from all involved. Earlier this year, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of "Set Boundaries, Find Peace," highlighted this theme in an Instagram post titled "Things Adult Children Want To Hear," listing simple yet impactful phrases parents could offer their grown kids.
The Power of Validation and Healing Words
We consulted Glover Tawwab and other mental health professionals to explore the statements adult children most desire from their parents and the profound significance behind these expressions. "Adult children frequently seek validating phrases from their parents, such as acknowledgments of past pain or expressions of understanding," explained Lara Morales Daitter, an associate marriage and family therapist at The Connective in Northern California. "These affirmations possess substantial healing potential, particularly when parents were previously preoccupied with their own struggles, resulting in unmet emotional needs during childhood."
Six Transformative Statements for Parent-Adult Child Relationships
Below are six powerful phrases parents can articulate to their adult children to enhance relational bonds and foster emotional well-being.
1. ‘I’m sorry.’
These two words represent what many adult children yearn to hear above all else, according to therapist and author Jor-El Caraballo. "As Gen Xers, millennials, and some Gen Z individuals increasingly reflect on their upbringings, they have begun to fully comprehend how their parents' choices influenced them," said Caraballo, co-founder of the mental health practice Viva. "In certain instances, those decisions posed challenges to their mental health. Receiving validation and an apology from parents would constitute a significant victory for adult children striving to disrupt negative family patterns and advance with improved psychological health."
Arielle Dualan, another associate marriage and family therapist at The Connective, emphasized the importance of parents apologizing for pain they may have caused, even unintentionally. "Most adult children recognize that their parents are imperfect and had the best intentions in parenting," she noted. "Some parents struggle with acknowledging unintentional or intentional hurt inflicted on their adult children at any life stage."
Enhancing the apology with "How can we work through this?" amplifies its impact. "Taking ownership not only creates space for emotional repair and connection but also models humility and relational healing for the adult child, which can extend to other relationships in their life," Dualan added.
Caraballo observed that parents from specific cultural backgrounds, particularly communities of color, may find apologizing more challenging. "As a therapist working extensively with Black clients, I often observe that when they express concerns about their upbringing, parents might become defensive or obstinate," he said. "This can stem from various reasons, some personal and others cultural, including pressure to 'save face.' Normalizing parental apologies when appropriate can be incredibly healing for Black families, and while it is not yet the norm, there is hope for increased prevalence over time."
Dualan, who specializes in working with adult children of immigrant parents, noted similar struggles in these families. Parents may have been raised in environments prioritizing fundamental needs like safety, whereas their children, having those needs met, could focus on emotional connection. "For my clients and myself, this might necessitate adjusting expectations that parents may not initiate emotional connection," Dualan explained. "There is grief in never experiencing that type of relationship with parents. However, adult children can endeavor to create the relationship they have always desired with their parents."
2. ‘I was in survival mode.’
While this statement does not excuse poor parenting or negative behavior, it acknowledges that parents, while managing numerous responsibilities, sometimes faltered, as Glover Tawwab clarified. "As a young adult, especially one without children, it can be difficult to perceive your childhood reality beyond your perspective as a child," she said. "Versus viewing it as an adult who had a job, needed to cook meals, maintain friendships, and handle all these obligations while parenting you."
Discussing the circumstances parents faced during that period can provide valuable context and foster understanding. "If I had more support, resources, finances, if I wasn't undergoing a divorce, or struggling with various issues—recognizing and articulating these factors can be profoundly healing for the adult child relationship," Glover Tawwab stated.
Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Gayane Aramyan reinforced this perspective, noting that parents likely did their best with the tools available at the time, possibly lacking the emotional awareness or communication skills expected today. "Having difficult conversations with parents and having them acknowledge your childhood experiences can be healing in repairing the relationship between adult child and parent," Aramyan said.
3. ‘I’m really proud of you.’
Regardless of age, children desire to know their parents take pride in the individuals they have become and their accomplishments. "Many aging parents raised their children to 'be better' and strive for more than what was available to them," Caraballo remarked. "This has driven many of us with both confidence and anxiety regarding our performance. Hearing 'I'm proud of what you've done and who you are' can serve as a beacon of light for aging millennials who question their achievements and life position."
4. ‘Your life path is different than mine, but I support you.’
Some parents may urge their grown children to follow similar trajectories, perceiving them as the "right" path due to familiarity, convention, or stability. However, numerous paths can yield fulfillment, even if they diverge significantly from parental choices. Hearing parents express respect and support for living life on one's own terms is empowering. "This affirming statement recognizes the individuality of the adult child's journey and affirms their autonomy in making life choices," Morales Daitter explained. "It conveys parental acceptance and validation, fostering a sense of empowerment and emotional well-being."
5. ‘Do you want advice, or would you prefer for me to listen?’
When adult children encounter challenges, they sometimes need to navigate solutions independently without parental rescue. "Adult parents must remember that I, too, have experienced setbacks and made poor decisions," Glover Tawwab said. "And I am speaking solely from a place of wisdom and knowledge after attempting some of the things my kids are discussing."
Directly inquiring whether guidance or a listening ear is desired eliminates guesswork and demonstrates belief in the adult child's capability. In parenting adults, "the role is not always to protect, as it might have been during youth," Glover Tawwab added. "It is now to listen, observe, and ask if you want feedback. However, interjecting with 'I have the perfect answer, and you need to do this' is sometimes unwelcome."
Although parents naturally wish to shield children from repeating mistakes, this approach "does not provide space for the adult child to assert themselves as their own person," Dualan noted, "nor does it allow the parent to learn who their adult child has become."
6. ‘I’m still here for you.’
There is a profound beauty and comfort in knowing that, even in adulthood, parents can offer a soft landing place. "The parenting role does not conclude when children reach adulthood; the relationship merely transforms," Caraballo stated. "While aging parents should shift focus from predominantly tending to children to other personal pursuits, it does not preclude them from remaining involved and respectful allies in their children's lives. Determining appropriate boundaries while maintaining an active presence and care is a delicate yet crucial balance," he concluded.
