Late-night anxiety over a simple text message is a familiar scene for many women navigating modern dating. Columnist Simone Paget, in a piece published on January 11, 2026, describes a common dilemma: lying in bed at 11:30 p.m., meticulously crafting a response to a date's invitation. The goal? To sound enthusiastic but not desperate, friendly but not juvenile. This experience, she argues, is a symptom of a larger, unequal dynamic where women bear a disproportionate burden of digital emotional labour.
The Punctuation Predicament: A Gendered Analysis
Paget's personal reflection is backed by research. A 2025 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that women often use exclamation points out of fear of appearing "cold and unfriendly." Ironically, the same study revealed that men may perceive women who use them as "lacking analytical thinking." This creates a classic double bind. Christopher Alesich, a relationship expert and CEO of the polyamorous dating app Sister Wives, confirms this imbalance. "Women are damned if they do, damned if they don't," he shared via email, noting that men are far less likely to expend mental energy on such nuances.
Data from Sister Wives, which analyzed nearly 20,000 dating profiles, quantifies the divide. It found that women use more than twice as many exclamation points, multiple exclamation points, and emojis as men. Conversely, men were found to use twice as many em dashes—a feature common in AI-generated text. This ties into another finding: according to the AI-driven dating advice app Meena, men are three times more likely than women to use ChatGPT for dating guidance.
Automation vs. Exhaustion: The Growing Divide
This trend points to a stark contrast in approaches. "Women are worrying over every exclamation point, while some men are automating their approach," suggests Alesich. Paget echoes this from experience, recounting times she has painstakingly composed a message only to receive a reply that felt robotic and impersonal, possibly because it was. The consequence is that women are effectively performing constant, unpaid emotional work in the digital dating sphere.
This digital performance can lead to dating fatigue, burnout, and unrealistic relationship expectations, Alesich warns. The pressure to maintain a perfectly curated, perpetually pleasant persona is not only exhausting but also inauthentic. Paget notes that while her texts may be perfectly composed, she is a human with complex emotions that will eventually surface.
Reclaiming Authenticity in Digital Communication
While experts like Alesich offer tips—such as auditing exclamation points or mirroring a date's tone—Paget recognizes that this advice itself sounds like more labour. Instead, she proposes a radical, simpler solution: stop worrying and be yourself.
Her call to action is to ditch the performance. Use three exclamation points—or six—if you're genuinely excited. Show authentic interest without fear of seeming "too eager." She advocates for nixing AI tools in dating and using your own words. "Life is too short to play it cool," Paget writes, arguing that if an extra exclamation point turns someone away, they weren't the right match. The goal should be finding someone who appreciates genuine enthusiasm, unedited punctuation and all.
The article underscores a critical, often overlooked aspect of contemporary romance. As dating increasingly moves online and tools like AI become more prevalent, the emotional and cognitive load placed on women in these digital interactions is a significant issue that merits broader conversation and, ultimately, change.
