A new academic paper published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that fighting over text, known as 'fexting,' may not be as detrimental as commonly believed. Led by University of Montreal psychology professor Marie-Ève Daspe, the research team reviewed 15 studies comparing face-to-face conflicts to digital arguments via text, voice messages, email, instant messaging, video calls and phone calls.
No Clear Winner in Communication Methods
To their surprise, the research team found that no single form of communication consistently produced better outcomes. Some studies found no significant difference between face-to-face and digital arguments. Others found that in-person conversations led to better results, while a few pointed to unexpected advantages of digital communication. For instance, not having to respond immediately can help some people avoid stumbling over their words, shutting down or lashing out.
Benefits of Digital Arguments
Kate Murphy, a psychotherapist in Chamblee, Georgia, unaffiliated with the study, noted that many people prefer having time to digest what their partner has communicated and to formulate a thoughtful response. 'I hear clients say frequently that this works better for them, so they don’t say things they may later regret,' Murphy said. Plus, she added, there’s an added benefit that they can go back and read over text chains. 'When calmer, people can see more clearly where misunderstandings or communication broke down. This can be particularly helpful within the context of couple or individual therapy. Our memory of who said what during an argument is not always reliable.'
In a press release, Daspe noted that a mix of digital and in-person communication may be best for thorny discussions. 'A multimodal approach seems better suited to the reality of relationships,' she said. For emotionally heated conversations, it may be wise to pause and discuss in person, especially when hurt feelings, trust or weighty emotional issues are involved. However, with tact and carefully deployed smiley emojis, working through minor disagreements over text—such as a logistical misunderstanding over date night plans—may be fine.
Drawbacks and Tips for Healthy Fexting
The cons of fexting include the lack of tone and body language, and the potential for rapid-fire exchanges that flood emotions and focus on winning rather than understanding. Murphy noted that similar downfalls occur in person when emotional elevation leads to people no longer listening to each other. She believes the key takeaway is that digital communication can be a useful tool for minor tiffs but cannot replace calm, face-to-face conversations for heavier issues.
Murphy offered tips for arguing fairly over text: be considerate of timing (avoid sending provocative texts before work or sleep), wait before responding when angry, and follow up in person for heavier topics. 'Plus, affection in person really helps mend fences,' she said.
