One morning, after another screaming match over homework, Marika Páez Wiesen sobbed in her car. Her son had jumped out, slammed the door, and stomped into school. For a month, the same loop played: she asked about missing assignments, he mumbled noncommittal responses, she nagged about video games, he defended his completed work, and she escalated to demanding a plan. Her efforts to be a Good Mom only left her with a screaming kid and little progress.
The Shame Spiral of Parenting
Wiesen, an educator, writer, and coach, felt like a failure. She recalled a session with her coach a month earlier, where she had cried over another perceived parenting screw-up. Her coach asked, 'What if you believed right now, without changing a single thing, that you were a great mom?' Wiesen laughed at the preposterous idea. But stuck again in the same pit, she decided to try it. She took a deep breath and said aloud, 'What if I choose to think, “I’m a great mom” right now?'
At first, her brain fought the thought, screeching with memories of her son's missing assignments. But she added the words 'It’s possible…' and repeated, 'It’s possible that I’m a great mom.' Slowly, her mind began to unfurl, and new evidence emerged: she cared enough to bring up issues calmly, she ensured good sleep and nutrition, she took pleasure in his interests, and they shared a tight bond with laughter and daily 'I love you's.
Releasing the Burden of Perfectionism
Wiesen realized she had been immersed in culture's 'be more/do better' messages—buy this device, these supplements, pay for this program. Mothering from scarcity and anxiety made her feel permanently terrible. She saw her kids as endless improvement projects rather than perfectly imperfect humans. That day, she finally claimed her enoughness as a mother, releasing shame and self-flagellation.
Believing she was a great mom made her a better one. When her daughter hands out sass or her son has a long list of missing assignments, she no longer takes it as a reflection of her worth. She can hold boundaries calmly: 'No, you can’t talk to me that way—want to try that again?' or 'You’re in charge of your choices—what do you want to do, and would you like any help?'
A Work in Progress
Holding onto this clear-eyed view is a work in progress, but so are her kids. Ultimately, Wiesen says, 'It isn’t the responses of my children that make me a great mom. It’s the commitment I make to showing up every day and mothering them imperfectly, humanly.' She messes up, recovers, disparages her efforts, then zooms out to see her body of work. 'Trying on that thought again—I am a great mom. It works. It’s possible you just might be one thought away from being a great parent, too.'
